I was 23 when I got married, almost 15 years ago (reading through these comments, I don't even know if that counts as young in this context, but it was sure unheard of in my neck of the woods!). My husband was 24. I wouldn't change a thing. Other people have said this, but we were both so clueless, we were just clueless together, which helped. Right before we got engaged, we were having lunch with his pastor, a man who'd gotten married at 19 (I think he was in his 40s at the time), and he said he'd always been grateful that he and his wife had grown up together. That's stuck with me for the last 16 years or so. My husband and I really have grown up together. I told him the other day that I loved him for who he was, always, but that now he's growing into what I always knew was in there. I remember thinking at the time that I didn't know what would happen with us, but I just wanted to be there for the ride. Our circumstances have changed, many many times, but that feeling has never changed. It's been a hell of a ride!
I loved this piece ! As someone who will be marrying old and is susceptible to the fear of losing my freedom / judging those that didn’t have the experiences I had in my 20s— I really applaud your writing and voice in this piece. Also love the odd drop about demons and the red thread on choosing community over isolation.
Thanks for writing this. I’m pretty old now and have five sons, all in their 30s (talk about feeling old).
We married at 19, not a year out of high school. I joined the Navy and we moved to a tiny apartment in Orlando.
I won’t bore you with details but your essay is spot on, having someone who you know will be there pulling on the rope with you makes the struggle easier, sweeter and much more meaningful.
One of my favorite artists, David Gates of the 70s band Bread, married his high school sweetheart and stayed married. That always made me respect his love songs so much more because they seemed so genuine. He was a rare exception of someone in super stardom who was able to gracefully bow out of the limelight and enjoy his life with a single spouse.
I was stunned to learn Bon Jovi had been married for 35 years. I just assumed rock stars don't do that!
Actually, both Brown and Bongiovi's parents are still married, and they both were raised with some kind of religious tradition (Church of England and Catholic respectively). This also bodes well for them.
Jon BonJovi is an admitted cheater. Is length of marriage what constitutes success? Please, let’s not hold him up as a shining example of #maritalgoals
My husband and I married at 19. We got a few negative comments, but it wasn’t unheard of in the rural, mostly Christian context we lived in at the time. It’s been almost 22 years, and 5 kids later, we’re so grateful for God’s faithfulness and the way He very much caused us to grow up together in our young married years. All of our kids (ages 20-10) who are old enough to have opinions on the subject hope to marry relatively young too, so there is that. Part of it, I think, is in how we tell our stories to ourselves and within our families. They know ours is a story of God at work through difficulties in ways big and small, and our belief of our marriage and family being a special calling that, I think, lends a sense of deep meaning for us and our children (as it’s the root of their very existence).
I got married last year when I was 22 and my wife was 21 (we're now 24 and 23). We're both loving it - highs and lows.
Of the many things I could say in favour of marrying young, one most related to your article is - marrying young means neither of you know what you're doing, so you'll get loads wrong, but at least you're wrong together. Getting married later means you're well practiced in your own ways, which is great, but when you join with someone else, then you'll simply clash when those ways don't align.
Both options have pros and cons, but I like the former most!
My husband and I were both 21 when we were married. A lot of people asked us even then if we weren't too young. I was asked if I was afraid of missing out on some things by getting married then.
Nope. We were able to grow together and grow up a bit more together--we met when I was 14, by the way. The way I see it, we were able to have adventures and spend time still being young, together, before we added kids to the mix. We've been married almost 24 years and I wouldn't have done things differently.
I had the opposite experience. I didn't marry until I was 38. I used to joke that I was 'skipping my first marriage.'
The joke was on me when I divorced 8 years later. Turns out there's no age limit on foolishly going into a marriage because it seems 'good enough'. "Marry someone you're friends with," was the advice I listened to. This resulted in being married to my roommate, which was lonely indeed.
Here's the kicker - shortly after I divorced, when I had no business dating again yet, I sat down in a church meeting next to this very nice man who offered me his coat. I declined, but remembered his kindness. And remembered his face when we ended up in another church meeting together about 4 months later. And then again when we met at two more meetings in the following weeks. Then we started meeting on purpose!
I fell in love for the first time at 46, and married the love of my life two years later. It's been 10 years, and it's still the greatest miracle of my life.
We both think of marriage as 'practice', just like any other practice in our lives - running, praying, etc. We show up every day, and we devote ourselves to each other, and to our life together.
I don't believe there's any age limit on this. You can find it very young, you can find it pretty old. I have a friend who fell in love for the first time and married delightfully at 64!
I got married at 19 and my husband was 20. We’ve been married 6 years now and have 2 kids. Ironically, the discipline and sobriety that parenting has given me has freed me up to enjoy my 20s a lot more and truly feel young. After facing the life-and-death heaviness of bringing children into the world and caring for them, my eyes feel open to the incredible privilege of being a student (we are both in school now). I remember seeing an RBG quote where she described being a parent in law school — she credits her daughter w her success, saying that parenting made her more fully present in her life, w each part of her life (parenting and studying) being a relief from the other.
People think of parenting as a mature activity but there is nothing more gorgeously youthful than seeing the garbage truck out the window and screaming with joy as you grab your son to show him. At 25 i feel much younger and more wide-eyed than i did at 17.
I am not a young adult, but I didmarry young. In fact, maybe that’s a prop for your perspective. I was 21 and my husband was 22. I loved Bon Jovi’s statement, yes, you need to grow together. We matured together, we learned together, we grew together. We built businesses together and worked together. Eventually, I slowed down and stepped back to take care of children, but never fully disengaged. We have supported each other through thick and thin and have a strong marriage. That’s not to say there haven’t been hard times, but because of our 30 year foundation, we have an investment that neither of us will walk away from lightly. Step carefully when you marry young, don’t just rush into it on a whim, but I fully believe that growing together in your marriage creates a much stronger commitment than coming into your marriage fully independent. The hole becomes much greater than the sum of the parts. Most, if not nearly all of the strong marriages I know are people who married young.
I was 24 when we shacked up. And 30 when we married. Should have taken the plunge right off the bat. Shacking up kept us from growing. Modern advice would suggest we should have divorced 1000 times in the last 30 years. But we are happier now than I could have imagined at 24 or 30.
I was 23 when I got married, almost 15 years ago (reading through these comments, I don't even know if that counts as young in this context, but it was sure unheard of in my neck of the woods!). My husband was 24. I wouldn't change a thing. Other people have said this, but we were both so clueless, we were just clueless together, which helped. Right before we got engaged, we were having lunch with his pastor, a man who'd gotten married at 19 (I think he was in his 40s at the time), and he said he'd always been grateful that he and his wife had grown up together. That's stuck with me for the last 16 years or so. My husband and I really have grown up together. I told him the other day that I loved him for who he was, always, but that now he's growing into what I always knew was in there. I remember thinking at the time that I didn't know what would happen with us, but I just wanted to be there for the ride. Our circumstances have changed, many many times, but that feeling has never changed. It's been a hell of a ride!
This is a beautiful story!
I loved this piece ! As someone who will be marrying old and is susceptible to the fear of losing my freedom / judging those that didn’t have the experiences I had in my 20s— I really applaud your writing and voice in this piece. Also love the odd drop about demons and the red thread on choosing community over isolation.
Thanks for writing this. I’m pretty old now and have five sons, all in their 30s (talk about feeling old).
We married at 19, not a year out of high school. I joined the Navy and we moved to a tiny apartment in Orlando.
I won’t bore you with details but your essay is spot on, having someone who you know will be there pulling on the rope with you makes the struggle easier, sweeter and much more meaningful.
One of my favorite artists, David Gates of the 70s band Bread, married his high school sweetheart and stayed married. That always made me respect his love songs so much more because they seemed so genuine. He was a rare exception of someone in super stardom who was able to gracefully bow out of the limelight and enjoy his life with a single spouse.
I was stunned to learn Bon Jovi had been married for 35 years. I just assumed rock stars don't do that!
Actually, both Brown and Bongiovi's parents are still married, and they both were raised with some kind of religious tradition (Church of England and Catholic respectively). This also bodes well for them.
Jon BonJovi is an admitted cheater. Is length of marriage what constitutes success? Please, let’s not hold him up as a shining example of #maritalgoals
My husband and I married at 19. We got a few negative comments, but it wasn’t unheard of in the rural, mostly Christian context we lived in at the time. It’s been almost 22 years, and 5 kids later, we’re so grateful for God’s faithfulness and the way He very much caused us to grow up together in our young married years. All of our kids (ages 20-10) who are old enough to have opinions on the subject hope to marry relatively young too, so there is that. Part of it, I think, is in how we tell our stories to ourselves and within our families. They know ours is a story of God at work through difficulties in ways big and small, and our belief of our marriage and family being a special calling that, I think, lends a sense of deep meaning for us and our children (as it’s the root of their very existence).
I got married last year when I was 22 and my wife was 21 (we're now 24 and 23). We're both loving it - highs and lows.
Of the many things I could say in favour of marrying young, one most related to your article is - marrying young means neither of you know what you're doing, so you'll get loads wrong, but at least you're wrong together. Getting married later means you're well practiced in your own ways, which is great, but when you join with someone else, then you'll simply clash when those ways don't align.
Both options have pros and cons, but I like the former most!
Nice post. I have teenage sons. I’m always interested in this perspective.
My husband and I were both 21 when we were married. A lot of people asked us even then if we weren't too young. I was asked if I was afraid of missing out on some things by getting married then.
Nope. We were able to grow together and grow up a bit more together--we met when I was 14, by the way. The way I see it, we were able to have adventures and spend time still being young, together, before we added kids to the mix. We've been married almost 24 years and I wouldn't have done things differently.
I had the opposite experience. I didn't marry until I was 38. I used to joke that I was 'skipping my first marriage.'
The joke was on me when I divorced 8 years later. Turns out there's no age limit on foolishly going into a marriage because it seems 'good enough'. "Marry someone you're friends with," was the advice I listened to. This resulted in being married to my roommate, which was lonely indeed.
Here's the kicker - shortly after I divorced, when I had no business dating again yet, I sat down in a church meeting next to this very nice man who offered me his coat. I declined, but remembered his kindness. And remembered his face when we ended up in another church meeting together about 4 months later. And then again when we met at two more meetings in the following weeks. Then we started meeting on purpose!
I fell in love for the first time at 46, and married the love of my life two years later. It's been 10 years, and it's still the greatest miracle of my life.
We both think of marriage as 'practice', just like any other practice in our lives - running, praying, etc. We show up every day, and we devote ourselves to each other, and to our life together.
I don't believe there's any age limit on this. You can find it very young, you can find it pretty old. I have a friend who fell in love for the first time and married delightfully at 64!
Blessings to you.
This is a fantastic piece.
I got married at 19 and my husband was 20. We’ve been married 6 years now and have 2 kids. Ironically, the discipline and sobriety that parenting has given me has freed me up to enjoy my 20s a lot more and truly feel young. After facing the life-and-death heaviness of bringing children into the world and caring for them, my eyes feel open to the incredible privilege of being a student (we are both in school now). I remember seeing an RBG quote where she described being a parent in law school — she credits her daughter w her success, saying that parenting made her more fully present in her life, w each part of her life (parenting and studying) being a relief from the other.
People think of parenting as a mature activity but there is nothing more gorgeously youthful than seeing the garbage truck out the window and screaming with joy as you grab your son to show him. At 25 i feel much younger and more wide-eyed than i did at 17.
I am not a young adult, but I didmarry young. In fact, maybe that’s a prop for your perspective. I was 21 and my husband was 22. I loved Bon Jovi’s statement, yes, you need to grow together. We matured together, we learned together, we grew together. We built businesses together and worked together. Eventually, I slowed down and stepped back to take care of children, but never fully disengaged. We have supported each other through thick and thin and have a strong marriage. That’s not to say there haven’t been hard times, but because of our 30 year foundation, we have an investment that neither of us will walk away from lightly. Step carefully when you marry young, don’t just rush into it on a whim, but I fully believe that growing together in your marriage creates a much stronger commitment than coming into your marriage fully independent. The hole becomes much greater than the sum of the parts. Most, if not nearly all of the strong marriages I know are people who married young.
Nuts, clearly, I meant the whole - not sure why it won’t let me edit. Darn voice to text.
I was 24 when we shacked up. And 30 when we married. Should have taken the plunge right off the bat. Shacking up kept us from growing. Modern advice would suggest we should have divorced 1000 times in the last 30 years. But we are happier now than I could have imagined at 24 or 30.
Excellent piece!