I love this SO MUCH. I'm reminded of a great book I read a few years ago called The Art of Gathering. (And now I'm off to order Leah's book.)
I live in a small town where there's not a lot of interesting things going on. There are interesting people though (some, lol), and my husband and I decided that we'll need to have more parties if we are to be able to stand staying here. I love hosting, and I'm a good host. But I'm always tempted to do just what you wrote (and what The Art of Gathering talks about too) and just sort of make sure it all "goes well," instead of being more intense and intentional about what (and who) the party is for.
Leah’s book is very readable/actionable. She always says she wants you to think in terms of what you can do in the next 2 weeks and to put the book down before you’re done and get to hosting your first thing.
Again, what I like about her approach is it’s malleable enough to fit your personality and community but thoughtful enough that the events will really have some substance and value.
Also I feel like my original comment sounds super snobby. I definitely desire to host more than "parties" with "interesting people." *eye roll at myself* I'm not a snobby person... I'm just *really* bored with where I live and that came out when I was writing that comment;)
Another vote for the art of gathering. somebody told me about this book 2 years ago and it completely revolutionized the way that I think about planning any kind of event. One thing the author of that book says is that 90% of what makes an event successful is the planning that goes in before hand.
I also learned some valuable lessons about hosting and hospitality from working in youth ministry. We used to teach youth that service is sometimes exhausting/stressful/painful for the one who serves… Sometimes that’s just the price of serving. Not always though. We recently hosted a gathering for our friends and it was a little bit exhausting but as time elapses from the event, the more grateful that I am that we made it happen and brought these people together.
One last thought to share—there was a fantastic post going around here at Thanksgiving about leaning into the drama instead of treating your friends and family as if they were disposable. I’ll link to it since I found it super helpful just with staying motivated to continue organizing in real life gatherings with the people we know. https://substack.com/home/post/p-152263331
Thanks for this post, Ben! I enjoyed it very much as well as Leah‘s book.
Yes, I totally relate to that "gratitude as time elapses" idea. At least for me, the feeling of satisfaction after hosting is deeply gratifying for a long time afterwards.
Instead of "project" I go by this line from Father Brown: "Like a true philosopher, Flambeau had no aim in his holiday; but, like a true philosopher, he had an excuse. He had a sort of half purpose, which he took just so seriously that its success would crown the holiday, but just so lightly that its failure would not spoil it."
I feel like Leah is a kindred spirit! I agree with her perspective here wholeheartedly! Especially asking "What can I pray for you for?" And getting to know who is sick and needs a meal or a meal train and who is going through a rough patch or who has good news or has a sibling or roommate visiting town whom they want to introduce to more friends... That's what building community is! Knowing and loving your people and praying for them.
We've been hosting an open invite dinner most weeks for eight years. At first my husband and I were both working and got home half an hour before our guests, then we had kids, our places have always been small... Favorable conditions never come! We've just kept opening the door!
I got to email with Nick Gray, author of the 2 Hour Cocktail Party, and chat with one of his assistants on the phone. The imaginary connected person he describes on the back cover of his book, the one who knows everyone and can connect you to someone with similar interests... I laughed. It's me! That's my real life.
We moved here over ten years ago knowing zero people; now I send 260 Christmas cards! Our average Friday dinner has about twenty adults and four to ten kids.
I practice "attack friendship" and trade phone numbers with families I meet at the library, people walking dogs in my neighborhood, new people at church... And invite them to dinner. And I've been doing it long enough, my friends give out my number to new people they meet! If my priest meets a new family that just moved here or a couple getting married, he knows he can invite them to Friday dinner at my house.
When other opportunities to host come up, like when my awesome single mom friend found out the church hall got double booked for her preschool son's birthday party... I said, "Host it at my house!" My house is small, but I wasn't overly intimidated by 17 kids (mostly preschoolers) coming over two days after I had hosted dinner for twenty while I was very pregnant, because I do crazy stuff like that all the time. 😅
Another book with spiritual and practical wisdom on hosting that I read recently was The Gospel Comes with a Housekey by Rosaria Butterfield. I've come to a lot of the same conclusions (like rice and beans are cheap and feed a crowd, and that God is loaning me this house to use to build His Kingdom).
We've had friends meet, people find jobs, three couples who met at our house have gotten married, and a number of people have found Jesus and decided to come into the Catholic Church...! It's all the Holy Spirit, I just cook!
My husband and I wrote this article to encourage people to start hosting (and as a follow up to The 2 Hour Cocktail Party for people with questions like, but what if you or your guests have kids?).
This is our real life experience, go out and run experiments of your own!:
You are epic! What an encouraging testimony! So much wisdom in there, especially the idea that you have your house on loan for the use of the advancing the Kingdom!
Aw, thank you! I never could have predicted that this would be my life.
If, years ago, you described things that have really happened in my life now, I wouldn't have believed they were real at all, let alone that they were possible in *my* life. God blesses us with surprises!
Lovely piece! Sargeant's case for niche events was really clarifying. I find the primary joy of hosting is watching different social groups "merge" who otherwise may have not met one another. If the theme of the event is something niche that everyone is interested in, you've already established a shared interest by the time they enter the room.
Regarding building up a big enough guest list to host niche events, I've found it can helpful to have social events with varying levels of publicness, so that there's a "funnel" from the larger events to the smaller, more private events. A larger, more open party is great every once in a while to create the opportunity for spontaneous, unexpected connections.
This is how the the Inklings did it! The Inklings had a more open, fluid gathering on Tuesdays at a pub, and then a private gathering on Thursdays in Lewis' room. Since Tuesday was like a ladder to Thursday, they got the benefits of both publicness and privateness.
I love this SO MUCH. I'm reminded of a great book I read a few years ago called The Art of Gathering. (And now I'm off to order Leah's book.)
I live in a small town where there's not a lot of interesting things going on. There are interesting people though (some, lol), and my husband and I decided that we'll need to have more parties if we are to be able to stand staying here. I love hosting, and I'm a good host. But I'm always tempted to do just what you wrote (and what The Art of Gathering talks about too) and just sort of make sure it all "goes well," instead of being more intense and intentional about what (and who) the party is for.
All to say, I'm inspired. Thanks!
Leah’s book is very readable/actionable. She always says she wants you to think in terms of what you can do in the next 2 weeks and to put the book down before you’re done and get to hosting your first thing.
Again, what I like about her approach is it’s malleable enough to fit your personality and community but thoughtful enough that the events will really have some substance and value.
I love it. Just ordered!
Also I feel like my original comment sounds super snobby. I definitely desire to host more than "parties" with "interesting people." *eye roll at myself* I'm not a snobby person... I'm just *really* bored with where I live and that came out when I was writing that comment;)
Another vote for the art of gathering. somebody told me about this book 2 years ago and it completely revolutionized the way that I think about planning any kind of event. One thing the author of that book says is that 90% of what makes an event successful is the planning that goes in before hand.
I also learned some valuable lessons about hosting and hospitality from working in youth ministry. We used to teach youth that service is sometimes exhausting/stressful/painful for the one who serves… Sometimes that’s just the price of serving. Not always though. We recently hosted a gathering for our friends and it was a little bit exhausting but as time elapses from the event, the more grateful that I am that we made it happen and brought these people together.
One last thought to share—there was a fantastic post going around here at Thanksgiving about leaning into the drama instead of treating your friends and family as if they were disposable. I’ll link to it since I found it super helpful just with staying motivated to continue organizing in real life gatherings with the people we know. https://substack.com/home/post/p-152263331
Thanks for this post, Ben! I enjoyed it very much as well as Leah‘s book.
Yes, I totally relate to that "gratitude as time elapses" idea. At least for me, the feeling of satisfaction after hosting is deeply gratifying for a long time afterwards.
Instead of "project" I go by this line from Father Brown: "Like a true philosopher, Flambeau had no aim in his holiday; but, like a true philosopher, he had an excuse. He had a sort of half purpose, which he took just so seriously that its success would crown the holiday, but just so lightly that its failure would not spoil it."
SHEESH; good write,
I like "intergenerational". Break down the age silos!
Wonderful article! I just ordered Leah's book.
I feel like Leah is a kindred spirit! I agree with her perspective here wholeheartedly! Especially asking "What can I pray for you for?" And getting to know who is sick and needs a meal or a meal train and who is going through a rough patch or who has good news or has a sibling or roommate visiting town whom they want to introduce to more friends... That's what building community is! Knowing and loving your people and praying for them.
We've been hosting an open invite dinner most weeks for eight years. At first my husband and I were both working and got home half an hour before our guests, then we had kids, our places have always been small... Favorable conditions never come! We've just kept opening the door!
I got to email with Nick Gray, author of the 2 Hour Cocktail Party, and chat with one of his assistants on the phone. The imaginary connected person he describes on the back cover of his book, the one who knows everyone and can connect you to someone with similar interests... I laughed. It's me! That's my real life.
We moved here over ten years ago knowing zero people; now I send 260 Christmas cards! Our average Friday dinner has about twenty adults and four to ten kids.
I practice "attack friendship" and trade phone numbers with families I meet at the library, people walking dogs in my neighborhood, new people at church... And invite them to dinner. And I've been doing it long enough, my friends give out my number to new people they meet! If my priest meets a new family that just moved here or a couple getting married, he knows he can invite them to Friday dinner at my house.
When other opportunities to host come up, like when my awesome single mom friend found out the church hall got double booked for her preschool son's birthday party... I said, "Host it at my house!" My house is small, but I wasn't overly intimidated by 17 kids (mostly preschoolers) coming over two days after I had hosted dinner for twenty while I was very pregnant, because I do crazy stuff like that all the time. 😅
Another book with spiritual and practical wisdom on hosting that I read recently was The Gospel Comes with a Housekey by Rosaria Butterfield. I've come to a lot of the same conclusions (like rice and beans are cheap and feed a crowd, and that God is loaning me this house to use to build His Kingdom).
We've had friends meet, people find jobs, three couples who met at our house have gotten married, and a number of people have found Jesus and decided to come into the Catholic Church...! It's all the Holy Spirit, I just cook!
My husband and I wrote this article to encourage people to start hosting (and as a follow up to The 2 Hour Cocktail Party for people with questions like, but what if you or your guests have kids?).
This is our real life experience, go out and run experiments of your own!:
https://faithandwitness.org/2024/07/16/how-about-dinner/
You are epic! What an encouraging testimony! So much wisdom in there, especially the idea that you have your house on loan for the use of the advancing the Kingdom!
Aw, thank you! I never could have predicted that this would be my life.
If, years ago, you described things that have really happened in my life now, I wouldn't have believed they were real at all, let alone that they were possible in *my* life. God blesses us with surprises!
Lovely piece! Sargeant's case for niche events was really clarifying. I find the primary joy of hosting is watching different social groups "merge" who otherwise may have not met one another. If the theme of the event is something niche that everyone is interested in, you've already established a shared interest by the time they enter the room.
Regarding building up a big enough guest list to host niche events, I've found it can helpful to have social events with varying levels of publicness, so that there's a "funnel" from the larger events to the smaller, more private events. A larger, more open party is great every once in a while to create the opportunity for spontaneous, unexpected connections.
This is how the the Inklings did it! The Inklings had a more open, fluid gathering on Tuesdays at a pub, and then a private gathering on Thursdays in Lewis' room. Since Tuesday was like a ladder to Thursday, they got the benefits of both publicness and privateness.